Monthly Archives: March 2020

In trauma, it is there we find gratitude!

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Last Monday began like any other day, except it wasn’t.  I woke up achy, a feeling in my sinus and chest like no other.  A slight cough.  A slight temperature.

Warning bells went off in my head.   “Oh, hell no!  No…No…No…No…NO!”   My mind began to shout, “Haven’t I been through enough?  Isn’t breast cancer, infection after infection, surgery after surgery, for 3 plus years, enough?”

But the virus, this strange animal called Covid-19,  had other ideas and decided to play games with me.   For seven days I let it.  I let it invade, I let it mess with my head, I let it run my life.

And then…I decided enough with the doom and gloom.  It was time to be grateful.

Not grateful for the virus.  Certainly not grateful for the strain it has put on my body and the stress it is causing my family, the pain it is currently causing the collective world.  But grateful, that gratitude is not beholden to a virus, but instead a gift that I could give myself and to all who know me, while I battled this microscopic beast.

So here it is, from my heart to yours.  Something to change perspective, to wipe the dirt from our weary souls.  To remove the fear and doubt and make me believe.  You believe.

Things I am grateful for this past week:

I am grateful for a house with creaky floors and the dryer that vibrates the ceiling.

I am grateful for two cats who, despite always finding a clean rug to hack up a hairball,  quietly curl up next to me, their deep vibrato purr a balm to this endless restlessness.

I am grateful for a bedroom with a picture widow where, between naps,  I can look upon the birds gathered at the fountain for a drink, fighting over the seeds that drip from the feeder onto the pink flowers entangled below it.

I am grateful for my older son who has taken to dressing up in silly costumes for his video conferences with his San Diego State work colleagues.  “It’s alright.  It’s alright.  We may not be able to be together, but we will get through this together!”

I am grateful for teachers who have found new ways to stay connected with their students on line through reading stories, singing songs, and reminding them that each day is a beautiful gift.

I am grateful to the friend from church who messaged me she wanted to bake me something to cheer me up and made me laugh when she prefaced the message by saying,  “I promise I’m really not that terrible a baker.”

I am grateful for my husband, a shy man, the love of my life, who quietly rises to the occasion each day to lead with a normalcy that wraps itself around me, “like the feeling of warm blanket on a cold and frosty morning.”  Cue Doris Day and Rock Hudson in Pillow Talk! Wink. Wink.

I am grateful for my mom and dad, who know I worry about them and text me often to let me know that the grocery store line was orderly, that they are managing o.k. and that they love me.   I can feel their resilience propel me forward across the miles.

I am grateful for my Pastors,  who long before this crises, trusted the people in their care to tend and nurture the mustard seeds, so that the church was and is so much more than the sum of it’s walls.

I am grateful for my daughter, whose artistry and vision somehow seem effortless in these troubled times and yet, this mother knows she is struggling to find a way to make sense of it all.  I wish I had the answer.

I am grateful for my dear friend who opens her door every week so that the notes of her piano ring out through her complex to all who are lonely and frightened.  “I see you.  I care” her piano sings.

I am grateful for Clorox wipes, and lavender hand soap and the Bergamot lotion that soothes my chaffed hands and reminds me of Paris.

I am grateful for my brother and his wife and their dogs.  Knowing Zeus and Athena are underfoot with their humans somehow brings me comfort.

I am grateful for my younger son, who accepted his sudden return to the nest from college much better than I would have, and figured out how to carve out a semi-normal existence while managing to keep both his school and engineering internship intact.   I know he’s suffering privately and it’s hard.

I am grateful for my book club and bible study and my dear friends who have texted and Facebooked and called to check up on me.  I love all of you.

I am grateful for my online garden community, once strangers, now friends,  connected by the marvel of God’s amazing creation and a belief that we will need it more than ever once this storm passes.

I am grateful for my brother in law and sister in law, that their cruise ship was not one of disease, but one that was able to find a safe port and a plane to carry them home.

I am grateful for all of the medical professionals and first responders and military who answered the call to serve something greater than themselves.  I owe you my life.

I am grateful for the bee that buzzes in my orange tree, reminding me that we do not always control our destiny, but we must work at it never the less.

I am grateful for my sponsor child Emmy, in Uganda, that he has a place to rest his head, a warm meal in his tummy, an education, and that he loves Jesus.

I am grateful for water that runs freely from my faucet, and toilet paper to wipe my bottom, and a toilet to flush it in.

I am grateful to the homeless, the impoverished, the less fortunate,  who remind me of all that I have to give.

I am grateful to all the caregivers, their masked faces in this new world order embody a strength and sense of purpose that I must learn from and  aspire.

I am grateful to the workers in the fields, the grocery and stockroom clerks, the truckers and warehouse helpers, the delivery drivers and all those who never asked to be first responders, but are responding to the call just the same.

I am grateful to the sound of the distant buzz of a lawn mower that reminds me of something normal.  I need normal right now.

I am grateful I can still curl up on the couch and find Lucille Ball and Andy Griffith still the same after sixty odd years and remember what life used to be like before all of this.

I am grateful for my God.  For in Him I find my rock.  My compass, my acceptor of all of my imperfections.  The one who time and again is willing to give me another chance to get it right.  To appreciate what I have not tomorrow, but today.

Finally, I am grateful for the P that calls to me from the mountain top that positivity is always a choice and well worth the climb.   I will keep trying.

So many I want to thank.  So many who came before me I wish I could thank.  I hope you know, I notice you in the shadows, all of you each and every week, and I am so grateful.  Stepping out of your comfort zones, to comfort me and the countless others who need to know, in this time of trial, that the world had not gone mad, but is very much alive with the vibrancy of the human spirit.  It isn’t by chance that the Easter story is before us.

We too will rise again.

 

Let gratitude lift you up and out of this dark place.  Practice it.  Practice it.  Practice it.

Thanks for reading.  I am getting better every day and looking forward to new beginnings with all of you.

PositivelyAnne

Caring for our kids in a time of crises

As a long- time educator and mom of 3, I would like to offer a few words of comfort to parents, grandparents and caregivers in these anxious times of the COvid-19 virus.  

Children, even very young children are very astute. They know something big is going on right now and they sense adult anxiety and their first inclination is to want to fix it.  They do not like seeing adults unhappy because most children see the world as a very joyful, happy place.  So, do not be surprised if during this time of crises, your children are overly clingy, act out, cry or become argumentative and ask you question after question out of frustration that they can’t fix what is going on and bring life quickly back to normal.   

In addition, don’t be surprised if your high school and college student is an emotional cyclone.  Suddenly their campus schedule that they were finally getting a handle on, has been quickly replaced with on-line learning, housing uncertainty, extra-curricular activities canceled and their friend group suddenly torn apart. This can all be very anxiety producing and it’s very difficult for a young adult to have the rug suddenly pulled out from under them when they have just started being responsible and making most of their own decisions.   So prepare yourself for a roller coaster of anger, frustration, protest, and maybe even unreasonable demands that you do something, anything, to put it all back as it was.   

My best advice to you is to acknowledge this sucks and give everyone the opportunity to voice their feelings. And dads, this means you too! You can’t very well expect your kids to open up and talk about their feelings if you are unwilling to do so yourself.   A child’s anxiety and fear, no matter their age, are often mitigated by a parent being open about their own feelings, so do the bold thing and start the conversation.

But while it’s important to be open to sharing feelings, it’s also important to be mindful that sharing does not mean dumping problems on your kids they have no means to solve.   You have to be mindful to have those difficult conversations, regarding things like potential financial loss and job uncertainty, away from the ears of your children.   And for goodness sakes, no one, not even you, needs to be parked in front of television pundits 24-7 filling your head full of supposition and unproven facts.

It’s good family lesson that in the immediacy of a crises, what matters is the facts. There will be plenty of time down the road to battle it out over what could have been done better. But the reality is that isn’t your job. Your job is to go about your daily lives as best you can and as safely as you can.

In other words, downsize the problem to what is yours to manage. Your plate is full enough already!

It’s also important that your children know that the facts about this crises might change as our government and the medical community understand more about the virus and what we need to do to prevent it.   Details may be sparse and then overwhelming, but ultimately, we will have them and it’s important to remain flexible and not panic.   

Our most important roles right now are to keep calm, wash our hands, cover our coughs, wipe our noses with tissues, practice social distancing and avoid unnecessary activities that might compromise your safety or that of others.

With this crises comes a greater emphasis on sanitation and if you think about it, there is an opening now without mom and dad begging, for all children to learn more about the importance of keeping things clean to prevent disease spread. So, let your kiddos participate in the household chores as they are able.  Now that you’ve stocked up on sanitizing supplies, you might even encourage them to look through their toy chest, books and comics and old clothes. Figure out what they want to donate and they can sanitize everything, pack it up and it’s ready to be donated when things settle down.

Try your best to keep some sort of routine during the hours your children would normally be in school or sports or other activities.   While your college age children may be doing some sort of on-line schooling, younger kids may find themselves suddenly with a lot of free time.   No more recess with friends.  No more afterschool sports, band or dance class.   But that doesn’t mean that learning has to stop.  

While some kids may view this extended break as a great thing, most kids will eventually long for their old routine, miss their friends, their teachers and the sense of doing their own thing that school and extra-curricular activities away from mom and dad provided.  

So, it’s important during this period of transition that you work with your child(ren) to set up a home and school routine with all sorts of educational and fun activities to fill the gap and give kids a sense of ownership over their lives.  

Set out Board games and puzzles, word searches, science kits etc… Pull out the old Disney DVD’s, the Star Wars Saga, the old black and white classics and not only watch them, but talk about the life lessons in them. Pull out the dress up box and create a play or tell jokes. Get out photo albums, year books and old home movies and maybe explore your ancestry on-line. Extend the activity by making a favorite family recipe. Put on some records and your favorite 80’s jams and dance your socks off.  Dust off that piano or guitar and have a jam session.  Write a song and record it.  If you don’t have an instrument, then make one out of an upturned bucket or a pan lid or cardboard box.  Put out water colors, crayons, paints and paper and let your inner Picasso out. Learn that video game your child is always playing.  Let them teach you about twitter and Tic Tok, YouTube and Instagram and Snapchat.   Use your phone camera to take funny pictures or make a movie together. Go out into your garden and weed and plant and talk about nurturing God’s creation. Make homemade cards for the military and homebound and look on line for ways to serve in your community, or speak with your Pastor about what is needed in your church family.   Groom your pets, make homemade dog and cat treats, visit online sites on nature and brainstorm what you might do as a family to help protect our natural world.  Grab a blank journal and write a story and illustrate it together. Turn on an episode of “I Love Lucy” or “Friends” or “American Horror Story” and make fudge and pancakes and popcorn. Write a letter, E-mail friends and family, or better yet, teach your child how to talk, not text, on the phone with their grandparents!

For those in high school and college undergoing an immediate structural change in how they learn is very stressful, so it’s important to keep engaged with their well-being and mindful that this isn’t as easy as it sounds. Yes, the younger generation is much more technologically savvy than prior generations, but that doesn’t mean everyone processes information the same way. On-line learning is a whole different ball game then a classroom experience and your student may find they are frustrated with the pace of the course, with the inability to immediately ask a question, with the lack of student interaction and the lack of hands on learning. They may also find their teachers, who they thought knew everything, may not be up to the task of administering an on-line course. So you may have to have conversations with your child about patience and understanding and cutting people slack. And in some cases, you may have to help your child follow up with the appropriate campus entities if the online educational experience is really sub-par.

Also, a lack of extra curricular activities, which is so vital to most high school and college kids, can immediately turn your kind and considerate child into a feral beast. Help them by finding new ways to maintain their physical fitness if they were formally engaged in competitive sports or dance or cheer; explore together on-line courses and websites that might engage them in new and fun ways and do not be afraid to let them take point to help the younger ones in your family. And for gosh sakes, get out of the way and let them talk out what is happening with them with their friends. I know you want to be there savior, but right now, you need to remember that they never asked for any of this. So it’s important to give them the privacy and space they have been used to and allow them the time to work out what is happening in their own mind.

While these things might sound silly and corny in a time of crises, I promise you that if you do these things, several years from now, when you are all gathered as a family and your children are telling their own children about the “Great COvid-19 Virus of 2020”, their conversations will not be a story of tragedy, but a story of hope.  A hope that you instilled in them today, right now, in this time of crises. A hope that the promise of a better tomorrow is never at the mercy of a tragedy if we spend our todays positive and productive and always, always moving forward with the gifts God has given us.

Stay safe and well dear readers and feel free to add your own thoughts and comments that might help others during this challenging time.

PositivelyAnne